


A Love That is Hopeless

by youstupidplonk



Category: Ashes to Ashes (UK TV), Life on Mars & Related Fandoms, Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Chris is a disaster bi, First Crush, Hurt/Comfort, Kind of fluffy at the end, Multi, Sam Tyler - Freeform, Sexuality Crisis, Shaz is a good friend, Unrequited Love, alex drake - Freeform, coming to terms, idk I headcanon these two as bisexual, internalised biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youstupidplonk/pseuds/youstupidplonk
Summary: Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep. But I'll never show it on my faceSet between series two and three of A2A, Shaz and Chris talk in Luigi's about operation rose, the people who are missing, and the people who changed their lives.Major spoilers for 2x08 and 3x01 of Ashes to AshesNo spoilers for LOM :)
Relationships: Alex Drake/Shaz Granger, Chris Skelton/Sam Tyler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	A Love That is Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HyperPluviophile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperPluviophile/gifts).



> Hi everyone! 
> 
> A fic for my fantastic beta reader flirteenth doctor! (You're welcome)
> 
> This is set between series two and three of A2A, with references to LOM. 
> 
> (Title and summary from Secret Love Song by Little Mix)

Chris walked slowly back to his table, a pint of bitter and a glass of water in his hands. He set the latter down in front of Shaz before sitting back down. She took a sip from the glass and sighed, the noise catching Chris’s attention

“I can’t believe it. The doctor’s say the bleeding in her gut has stopped. She should be waking up. I don’t understand why she’s not waking up” She looked down into her drink, her voice catching in her throat “I don’t understand how Guv….How could he...” she broke off. 

Chris was shocked. He knew that Shaz had taken ma’am being shot hard, but she’d said herself that she knew he hadn’t meant to. Hell, she’d even told D and C it was an accident, going against pretty much everyone else in CID, with the obvious exceptions of him and Ray. 

“Shaz, you know as well as I do that the Guv wouldn’t have shot her deliberately” 

Shaz looked up, confusion on her face ”I wasn’t talking about him shooting her. I know he was trying to shoot Jenette. I just don’t understand why he ran. Surely he knew that it would make him look more guilty?”

“Guv’s a strange man sometimes”

“Isn’t that the truth” Shaz inhaled shakily. “Everything is falling apart isn’t it?”

“D’you think?”

“You know it is. Ray’s trying his best but he doesn’t trust himself enough. You’ve seen him saying ‘let’s check with Guv and ma’am’ before realising it’s his call. There’s some part of himself he’s fighting, his desire to be a leader against the part of him that wants nothing more than to please the Guv.”

“Sam would know what to do.” Chris sighed “Why is it all the people who would know what to do are the ones who aren’t here. Sam, Ma’am, Guv.” Shaz suddenly looked up. 

“Are you talking about Sam...Tyler?” Chris nodded, a small smile on his face. She couldn’t hide her shock. No one who had worked with him ever brought him up, at least not regularly.

“I know you never met him Shaz, but he was honestly an amazing bloke. He was clever, decent, cared about the public and all of us in CID. He had all these new ideas about how to do things which helped us crack a lot of cases. Losing him was awful, for everyone. He had done so much for the force and for Manchester. It didn’t seem fair.” Chris’s tone had changed to one Shaz couldn’t quite place. Sneaking a glance at his face, she noticed he almost seemed to be restraining something. Although his face was neutral his eyes carried a heaviness. She spoke hesitantly. 

“Chris? Are you alright?”

“I….” Chris faltered. He opened his mouth as if to speak, before shaking his head. 

“You clearly aren’t alright Chris, talk to me. You know that whatever it is I won’t judge you” Shaz’s voice was gentle and carried genuine concern. Chris looked down. 

“It’s just….oh I don’t know…...realising that you’re something you…...well you didn’t have a problem with it but didn’t understand why they made such a big deal out of it...until it became a part of you?” Chris’s voice cracked and Shaz realised he had tears in his eyes. 

“Oh my God, Chris, you- you’re gay?” Although they had until recently been engaged Shaz wasn’t completely shocked. She had often wondered if the reason for the rampant homophobia in CID was because more than one of the men was hiding something. Not only that but she had noticed the way Chris talked about certain musicians, like Boy George and Adam Ant. 

“What? No! Of course not!” His words were rushed, before he started faltering “I mean- I don’t think I am. I like birds but….” 

“You think you might be attracted to men?” Shaz tried to keep her voice stable, knowing that this probably wasn’t very easy for Chris. 

“Well- I mean, I don’t know. My head’s a bloody great mess Shazzer ” Chris buried his head in his hands. Shaz put her glass down and put her hand on his shoulder gently. 

“Well then talk to me, I ain’t gonna judge you Chris, you of all people should know that” 

Chris blinked hard a few times and swallowed, trying to fight the wave of emotion he felt rising in his chest. “It’s just, I’d never even thought about thinking about men in that way. I knew it was something other people did but I never thought it would be me….” Chris trailed off, not knowing how to carry on. When he didn’t speak again Shaz prompted him softly.

“What happened?” 

“Sam Tyler happened. He was the first person to ever make me think about it. At first I just thought I wanted to be like him, but then I started to realise that I was desperate for his approval. I would do anything he asked without a first thought, never mind a second one. But I don’t think it was just that. He seemed to see something worthwhile in me. He would tell me about the new ways of policing and he thought I had the potential to be good. It meant a lot” Chris sighed, his face settled with some kind of affectionate resignation. The look on his face made Shaz’s heart skip. It was a look she was all too familiar with seeing in the mirror. 

She sighed. “I understand.”

The look on Chris’s face was replaced with relief. “You do?” 

“I do” Shaz confirmed “because I’ve had that experience myself.”

Chris's face changed from relief to confusion “Have you?”

“Yeah.” Shaz nodded “Not long after I started as the typist in CID.”

“But you never met Sam”

Shaz sighed “I never said it was Sam”

“I thought you couldn’t stand Ray?”

“That’s a bit harsh, I can stand him but I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to him”

“That only leaves the Guv, but surely he’s not your type Shazzer?” 

Shaz internally rolled her eyes. Clearly Chris was going to list every single man in the station and probably all of London before he guessed who it was. “Unless I suddenly can’t count Chris it doesn’t just leave the Guv”

“But…..” Chris broke off, clearly not knowing who Shaz was talking about. Mentally he started running through all of their colleagues. 

“Think about it Chris.” Shaz prompted when he didn’t speak “Who did you just talk about? Who do you think that person was for me?” She tried to keep the frustration out of her voice but at this point she didn’t know if Chris genuinely didn’t know who she was talking about, or if he was trying to wind her up. She frowned, which didn’t go unnoticed by Chris.

“I don’t know, Bammo?” He was quick to answer, Shaz guessed to try and swerve her mood worsening but _My God _she thought. Bammo was nearly twice her age and not her type anyway. It blew her mind that after what Chris had just told her, he hadn’t considered who she would have thought was the obvious candidate for her unrequited affection. Seeing that Chris was about to speak again she cut him off.__

__“For God’s sake Chris, I’m talking about Ma'am!” Her voice was harsher than she intended it to be, but this wasn’t very easy for her and he hadn’t made it any better._ _

__“Wait, you fancied DI Drake?” Chris half chocked on his bitter. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting her to speak and had been expecting what she said even less._ _

__Shaz rolled her eyes at his reaction, externally this time “I don’t know why you’re so surprised” She retorted “When she first arrived in CID you lot could barely keep your eyes off her. Did you think her looks were completely lost on me?”_ _

__Chris cleared the bitter from his throat and set his glass down “I suppose. I just never thought that you’d’ve been interested in her in that way” Chris paused, giving Shaz the chance to explain further if she wanted to._ _

__Shaz sighed, she knew that there was some truth in what he was saying, she didn’t fancy Alex the same way the men did. “Well I wasn’t interested in her in the way you lot were.” She began, not sure how to phrase it in a way that would make sense “You just saw her face and probably her figure” At the latter comment Chris dropped his eyes for a moment and Shaz knew she’d been spot on. He only looked down for a moment before he looked up again._ _

__“What did you see then?” His tone carried genuine interest and kindness, which touched Shaz. She realised that he was asking because he thought she needed to talk about it, not so he could have some borderline pervy conversation with the lads later. She took a deep breath, thinking back to that day in July of ‘81._ _

__“I was a WPC in a department full of misogynists.” Chris raised his eyebrow and gestured to himself. Shaz rolled her eyes “You know it's true. Anyway, one day a female DI arrives, she’s smart, she’s witty, beautiful, doesn’t give one about what people say to her or about her. She just rises above it all. But she still treats everyone, no matter who they are, with respect and dignity. She’s not like the others in CID who often don’t treat people like human beings, she doesn’t resort to violence but is still effective. She’s also the first senior officer to treat you like an equal, not the way the others treat you like you’re only there to be their personal slave even when you’ve got a job to do.” She paused, her voice slightly shaky. Chris felt momentarily guilty about how the men in CID, had and did treat Shaz. Before he could apologise Shaz carried on. “She involves you in her investigations so you start to believe you could be something more than a typist. Guv only started treating me as an officer not a servant because of the work I’d been doing in investigations. I would not have been doing that work without ma’am. Is now also the appropriate time to mention we’re only having this conversation because of her? She saved my life Chris. Twice”_ _

__Chris took a sip of his own drink “I guess that does make sense. I never thought that someone else would understand what it was like.”_ _

__“Well I do understand” Shaz paused, her tone softening “Did you ever get over Sam?”_ _

__Chris paused, clearly thinking about Shaz’s question.“Define “get over”” He sighed “I always knew nothing would become of it, but I also never really got the chance to work through it y’know?” Shaz nodded and he continued ”Did you ever get over ma’am?”_ _

__“Yes.” Shaz’’s answer came naturally, which surprised Chris._ _

__“Really?”_ _

__“Don’t get me wrong, I love her but now it’s the way I’d say I love Ray or Guv or anyone in CID. I think a part of that is because I don’t feel like I’m inferior to her anymore. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of approval from her at first. That’s changed and I’d now say we’re more like friends than two officers of different ranking, If that makes sense?”_ _

__“Yeah. I guess I never really got that with Sam. He just always seemed to be two steps ahead of everyone else.”_ _

__“I understand”_ _

__“I do know that nothing was ever going to happen. He married Annie y’know and I know that made her really happy. I wouldn’t have wanted anything else for her” He sighed “Do you think anyone else knows?” He looked down again. Shaz considered the question for a minute before replying._ _

__“I don’t think so. The only other person who might have picked up on it is Ma’am but...." Shaz paused and inhaled shakily as she thought about Alex, unconscious in hospital. "even if she did know she wouldn’t have thought any less of you. I know she wouldn’t, I mean, you saw her on the Simon Neary case” Chris smiled faintly as Shaz carried on “I don’t think Ray or Guv know. Knowing them it probably never crossed their minds. But you have my word I won’t tell anyone Chris. Not even Ma’am” Her tone was sincere and Chris breathed a sigh of relief._ _

__“Thanks Shazzer, it means a lot” He stopped “I won’t tell anyone about you and ma’am either” He sensed Shaz relax “I feel like it’s tough enough being a WPC in a department full of misogynists without having people know that at one point you fancied your female superior.”_ _

__Shaz smiled “thanks Chris.” She picked up their glasses “I think it’s my turn to get a round in”._ _

__As she walked away Chris allowed himself a smile. Even though she wasn’t his girl anymore, she was still one of the kindest, most empathetic people he’d ever met. He knew that he was lucky to have a friend like her in his life._ _

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. I headcanon both Shaz and Chris as bisexual. They both have "in love with someone completely unattainable because they are older / superior" energy. Particularly Shaz in series one of ashes. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed that. Let me know if you did :)


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